


The Despair Factor

by SoulNarrative



Category: AFI
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-02
Updated: 2015-01-02
Packaged: 2018-03-04 20:52:59
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 9
Words: 13,409
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3089096
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SoulNarrative/pseuds/SoulNarrative
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Davey is devastated when Jade leaves him for another. Nils is determined to save him from self-destruction. <br/>CONTINUED IN THE SEQUEL, <i>THIS YOU CAN KEEP</i>.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Word count: 13356  
> Published: 12/02/2006 Updated: 12/16/2006
> 
> Here's a link to the video referenced in this chapter.  
> http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PjEQf9cE21Y

Jade was on his way over. They hadn’t been alone together in months. They had avoided it at all costs ever since Jade told him he’d met someone else, someone he wanted to see on a regular basis - a girl.

Davey had done his best to act as if it were of little consequence. Jade never promised that what they’d had for the past two and a half years would last. He knew the odds were against it. And he knew neither of them would be intimate with someone else unless he was free of the current relationship and felt committed to the new one - straightedge rules.

In his mind, Davey saw Jade’s tattoo arching across his abdomen: “committed.” He wondered what that meant to Jade, really. Davey assumed it meant that he, Davey, was “out” and Melissa was “in.” So he did everything in his power to be just a friend to Jade again and to be as welcoming to her as possible.

It was starting to wear on him. Always an insomniac, he was sleeping even less than usual. He went clubbing every night and to the gym every day. He wanted to be too exhausted to care about Jade anymore.

DecemberUnderground had been a huge commercial success. There were constant interviews, parties, award shows, guest appearances, preparations for the lengthy tour ahead. They were together often, but not like this, alone in Davey’s home, where they’d made love countless times.

‘I should’ve insisted we meet at a restaurant,’ Davey chided himself. ‘Or just refused to see him alone, period.’ Jade had said they needed to talk. ‘What is the point in talking now?’ He knew it would only cause more pain. Just then he heard Jade’s secret “ninja” knock at the front door. ‘I must, at all costs, remain calm and detached, no matter what he says.’ Davey tried to prepare himself.

Davey was wearing his best “Hey, bro!” grin when he opened the door. Jade returned the smile and stepped inside. Usually, Davey would already be in his arms, kissing him hello. Now Davey was already in the kitchen. He thought that was the safest room to be in with Jade - no sofa, bed or soft carpet. Not that that had stopped them before. He repressed the memories of what they’d done on the kitchen table, the counters, the floor.

He had tea ready for them and made himself busy with the cups and spoons. With his back to Jade, he asked, “Want anything to eat? I can make something, or better yet, let’s go out.”

Jade sipped the tea Davey had placed in front of him, prepared just the way he liked it. “No, I had lunch. If you want something, go ahead. Order in,” Jade offered. “I need to talk to you in private.”

“Okay, then let’s get this over with.” Davey was surprised at the bitterness in his voice but decided it was better this way. Any warmth would just make it harder. He remembered a video he’d seen a few days ago: Jade Teaches How To Play Miss Murder. His annoyance with Jade grew as he thought about it. He didn’t feel kindly at all now. He pulled the protective blanket of his growing anger tighter around his heart.

“Dave, we haven’t talked about this since I started seeing Melissa. I know you’re hurting…” How Jade hated the words coming out of his mouth, knowing he might as well stick the paring knife left on the table into Davey‘s side.

Davey turned to face Jade, leaning back against the kitchen counter. He crossed his arms over his chest and his legs at the ankles.

Coolly he replied, “You don’t know what I’m feeling. You’re not inside my head.”

Jade looked at him with an expression that said, ‘Yes, I do and yes, I am and we both know it.’ It was unbearable to Davey and he pretended not to see it.

“Everything is crystal clear, Jade. I don’t know why you’re here.” Davey’s voice was like ice.

“Okay. Maybe I’m here for me. I need to talk about it. I want to explain.”

“There is nothing to explain. Like I said, it’s all clear. Don’t own you, never did, never…” Davey couldn’t finish. His throat choked closed and his eyes suddenly stung with tears. He spun around and ran the sink full force to drown out the solitary sob that escaped his lips. With his back to Jade he harshly reprimanded himself for the loss of control.

Without thinking about what he was doing, Jade leaped to his feet and stood close behind Davey. His hands were just about to slip around Davey’s waist when he caught himself. Instead, he stepped beside him and wrapped his arm around his shoulders. With his free hand, Jade turned off the water flooding into the drain.

“We have to talk,” Jade’s voice was softly insistent. Davey chided himself again for the reaction that had elicited Jade’s killing comfort. He pulled away, shrugging Jade’s arm from his shoulders. He turned to look at Jade, his dark eyes ablaze.

“You want to talk? Let’s talk! I’ll start with a question.” He took a deep breath. “What the fuck were you thinking when you were saying all that shit during that cute little video that was shown all over the goddamn planet?”

Jade had never heard Davey use so many curse words in one sentence. “What video?” Jade was completely baffled by the mercurial shift of mood and seeming random topic.

“The one where you’re teaching how to play Miss Murder on the guitar. You’re wearing the brown and white checked scarf I gave you…” (‘The one the picks up the brown in your hair, your eyes…’) Davey had loved the way Jade looked in the video as much as he’d hated what he’d said.

“Oh. That one. What shit did I say?” Jade had no clue what could’ve upset Davey so much.

“Hmmm,I can almost quote it all for you…”

Jade lamented Davey's steel-trap of a mind and wondered how he could possibly put this right.

Davey began to recite the offensive words. “ ‘Me and _the singer of my band_ were sitting around in this basement in L.A. And we were _bored_ , you know. And he starts singing this line that ends up being the chorus. So I put some notes behind it and we came up with Miss Murder.’ ”

“Okaay?” Jade wasn’t getting it at all.

“Since when am I the ‘singer in your band?’ If you’d said ‘Dave’ or ‘our lyricist’ or…” Davey suddenly felt foolish and as egotistical as Jade sounded in the video.

“Davey, I didn’t mean it like that. It wasn’t scripted. You know I’m not as good at thinking on my feet as you.” Jade awkwardly explained and attempted to mollify Davey. “But I understand why you heard it like that. I didn’t say it right.”

With that small victory under his belt, Davey stoked his anger with the next transgression from the video. “And "bored?!" We were "bored?!" That’s not how I remember it!”

Simultaneously, the memory came rushing back to them both. Davey straddling Jade’s lap, kissing him deeply, tongues in each other’s mouths. Jade pressing Davey against him with his hands on his ass, kissing him back. Jade telling Davey to go lock the door and return to his seat, sans clothing. As Davey stood, Jade had undone his own pants.

On the way to the door, Davey began singing under his breath. It was a catchy phrase Jade had never heard before. “Hey Miss Murder can I make beauty stay…”

Their privacy secured, he'd turned back to Jade, smiling, repeating the line. He began to lift his shirt over his head.

Jade was leaning forward but he wasn’t watching Davey undress. He was listening intently to the lyrics he was singing, reaching for his guitar. He strummed some minor power chords that he thought would complement them.

Disappointed, Davey let his shirt fall back down over his chest. He put his hands on his hips, frowning, and complained, “I belong in your lap, not that fucking guitar.”

Jade smiled and coaxed, “Ah, Dave, sing it again. I think we really have something…” Davey’s face brightened. “You think so?”

Davey was intrigued but reluctant to stop playing their little sex game. “I’m changing my name to Gibson,” he said as he sunk down on the floor by Jade’s knee.

“Why the fuck do you want to be named after my little brother?” Jade teased.

Davey slapped at his leg. “After the guitar, fool. It’s been in your lap more than I have lately.”

Flowing with the transformed atmosphere, Davey crossed his legs and leaned his head back against Jade’s knee. He sang another phrase he’d written. Jade plucked some notes of melody to go with it.

Jade was ready to roll with it. “Do you have any more?”

“Of course I do.” Davey leaned over and grabbed the cumbersome tote bag he took everywhere. He rummaged through it and produced a roll of notebook paper and several composition notebooks.

“Voila, mon amour.” He waved them in the air, smiling.

“Shit, Dave! All that’s for the new record?” Jade was rightfully impressed.

“Oh, there’s lots more at home. See? I work. Just not when you’re around.”

“Maybe I should make myself scarce then.”

“No, no! I will focus. This will be fun.” Davey was now all business.

“If we’re really productive, we’ll celebrate later.”

“How?” Davey arched a perfectly formed eyebrow suggestively.

Jade grinned, showing off his crooked teeth. “Yeah, like that.”

They wrote their next hit single that afternoon.

 

  
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. All publicly recognizable characters and settings are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended.

This story archived at <http://www.afislash.com/viewstory.php?sid=4552>


	2. Chapter 2

'Can I make beauty stay if I take my life?’ The memory of composing that pivotal song with Jade was too painful for Davey. His anger was giving way to grief. He wanted to be done interrogating Jade but he had to know the answer to his last question.

“In the video you talked about composing. At first,you said ' _our_ m.o.’ but then you rephrased it to ‘ _my_ m.o.’ Davey looked into Jade’s eyes, beseeching. “Is that what it’s come to - we’re not composing together anymore?”

“You’re reading shit into it! That’s not what I meant. I just realized I shouldn’t be speaking for you.”

Jade’s fear and frustration peaked. He did not want to lose this man entirely. He gripped Davey’s biceps. “This is why we need to talk! Where do we go from here,Dave?”

Suddenly, Davey felt weak from emotional exhaustion. If Jade hadn’t been holding his arms so firmly, his knees would’ve buckled beneath him. At that moment, Jade only wanted to comfort and protect him.

Jade gathered Davey to him. Quietly he said, “What I came to say is that I love you, and always will. You’ll never be alone as long as I’m alive.” He was offering the devotion of the dear friend he was.

Davey had stopped listening when Jade pulled him close. He stood still as a statue, arms limp at his sides, eyes closed. He was using all his senses to absorb the moment - the way Jade felt, smelled, the sound of his mumbling.

Viscerally, he memorized the warmth of Jade’s breath against his temple, the vibration of his voice in his ear, the beating of his heart near his own. This was the ghost Davey would conjure after the real Jade had left him.

Jade placed his hand under Davey’s chin and tilted it up so he could see his face. Davey opened his eyes and gazed into Jade’s, committing those to memory, too. As always, Jade felt he was being penetrated and mesmerized by those eyes.

With his other hand, Jade slipped his long, slender fingers under Davey’s fringe and tenderly tucked it behind his ear. They stood like that for a moment, entranced.

Still holding Davey’s chin in his hand, Jade extended his thumb to still Davey’s trembling lower lip. He slid the tip of his finger over Davey’s lipring, making Davey’s eyelids flutter closed and his lips part. Neither of them knew if it was by accident.

If Jade left his thumb there one more second, Davey would inch his mouth forward, pull it in and suck it. Jade couldn’t let that happen. He pulled away from Davey and practically ran from the room.

He went out the french-doors to the high-walled garden off the living room. He debated whether to leave altogether but knew that would be cowardly and resolve nothing. He sunk down on the bench and stared at the bricks under his feet.

He tapped his fingers on his knee, wondering what the hell he was doing with his life. He couldn’t explain why he found Melissa so irresistible. Aside from being very pretty, she was so young and easy to be with. She made everything fun, almost silly. She didn’t know who she was or wanted to be and didn’t really care.

‘Yeah, carefree. That describes her.’ Not the word he’d choose to describe Davey. He felt ashamed to even think like that - comparing them. He couldn’t begin to find the word to describe Davey. He was just…awesome.

Perhaps a little too awesome. Maybe Jade was a bit intimidated by Davey’s seeming perfection. Certainly there was no one like him. How sad Jade didn’t realize that Davey considered himself dirt beneath his feet.

Jade’s reverie was broken by Davey’s solemn voice from the doorway. “After all the years we’d known each other, why did it happen then, do you think?” The question Davey couldn’t ask was, “Why are you ending it now?”

Relieved to be talking again at a safe distance, Jade said the first thing that came into his head.  
“After Monica left you for Matt…you were just…lost. Then you were diagnosed with that vocal cyst and had months of treatments and all the pain of retraining your voice. You were going through so much…”

Slowly it dawned on Davey what Jade seemed to be implying. “Are you saying you were doing me a favor? Helping me through a rough patch?” Davey covered his face with his hands. His voice barely above a whisper, he stated, “You became my lover…out of pity.”

“No, no! Dave, I always wanted you…” Jade frantically tried to explain but it was too late for apologies or explanations.

Davey dropped his hands and glared at Jade with a look that frightened him. His eyes shone with tears but his voice was venomous. “Get out of my house, you motherfucking cunt.”

Jade stared at him, paralyzed like a deer caught in headlights. Davey began screaming at him, shaking, fists clenched. “STAND UP. GET OUT. NOW. BEFORE I KILL YOU!”

Jade rose slowly and started towards him. Davey turned on his heel and ran to his bedroom, slamming and locking the door.

Completely defeated, Jade stumbled out the front door of Davey’s house - but not before hearing the muffled wailing coming from the room at the end of the hall. It was a sound Jade would never forget.

 

  
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. All publicly recognizable characters and settings are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended.

This story archived at <http://www.afislash.com/viewstory.php?sid=4552>


	3. Chapter 3

After the ending with Jade, the frivolity of Davey’s lifestyle increased. It became continuous clubbing, partying, dining out with friends. Jeffree accompanied him to manicures, facials and spending sprees on make-up, “rock n roll bling,” and the low-brow art Davey loved. Eventually, the crowd of friends thinned, leaving only Nils at Davey’s side, just where he wanted to be.

He’d wanted this from the moment he’d met Davey but there was always Jade. Even now, after their relationship had ended, Jade still haunted Davey. Nils could see it in his eyes. He sought contentment in the light kisses, hand-holding and hugs Davey was willing to give. He hoped his patience would be rewarded with more.

With the exception of classes and the occasional modeling gig, Nils was his constant companion. It was Nils who got the call when Davey collapsed in the sauna after an extended, intense workout at a West Hollywood gym. “No worry. I just didn‘t keep up the water today," he’d explained, dismissing it.

It was Nils who found him in the club crouched in a corner, hands over his face, struggling for breath. He was helpless in the grip of an anxiety attack. After he got Davey outside and calmed, Nils confronted him with his concern. “Davey, you’ve got to slow down. You’re killing yourself.”

Davey quickly regained his composure. “Nonsense. I’m having the time of my life. I deserve it, don’t I?” He flashed Nils a smile that would melt a glacier. “Of course you do, Davey, but…” Davey stood to go back into the club. He held out an inviting hand to Nils.

Nils took his hand but pulled him back down to sit beside him. He wasn’t going to be diverted this time. Still tightly holding Davey’s hand, Nils gently entreated. “Something’s very wrong. You’re going on the road in a month. When was the last time you talked to Adam? Hunter? Smith?”

Nils didn’t mention that they’d all called him when Davey didn’t return their calls. They weren’t even sure where he was staying anymore. He was never at home in East Bay. Adam often dropped by to check.

Even Jade had eventually called Nils, his worry overcoming his guilt. He hadn’t told anyone the details of his last private meeting with Davey. He could only tell Nils he was afraid Davey was close to the edge. He didn’t tell him how he’d woke in the dead of night, face wet with tears, sure he’d heard that wailing again.

None of them knew how they were going to pull off the tour if they couldn’t get a hold of him soon.

Davey waved his hand apathetically. “They’re all so busy. As for the tour, I’m sure Smith has all the arrangements under control. I’m not worried about it.”

Tightening his grip on Davey’s hand, Nils asked, “What about Jade?”

Davey stared at him. “What about him?” It was getting hard to breathe again.

“Davey. How are you going to live with him on the road for months on end? Have you thought about it?”

Davey nearly snapped, ‘What a stupid question. I think of nothing else.’ Instead, he began pulling Nils to his feet.

Nils allowed him to pull him up but refused to walk back to the club yet. He made one last desperate attempt to reach Davey. “I know a psychologist you’d like. Maybe you need an antidepressant - just for awhile - to adjust your brain chemistry, you know.” He held his breath for Davey’s response. Everything depended on it.

Davey shook his head. “And join the rest of America in popping a daily happy pill? You know I’m not into that, Nils.”

“It’s medication, not recreation! Serious depression is…” His voice faded away as he became aware that he’d said too much and Davey was already retreating further away.

Davey’s mocking chuckle sent chills down Nils’ spine. He leaned into Nils face and finished his sentence for him “…is _dead_ serious?” Nils expected him to throw his head back and laugh maniacally. Davey only smiled and kissed his cheek.

“Thanks for caring, baby. But all I need to make me happy at the moment is you, music and a dance floor. Come on.” Nils, shaken, not understanding what had just happened, allowed Davey to encircle his waist and lead him back into the senses-numbing interior of the club.  


 

  
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. All publicly recognizable characters and settings are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended.

This story archived at <http://www.afislash.com/viewstory.php?sid=4552>


	4. Chapter 4

They left the club around 1:30 a.m. Davey asked Nils to spend the night with him. Nils would never know he’d forced Davey’s hand that night. Cracks were appearing in his veneer and Nils, sensitive boy that he was, had seen them.

Davey knew he wasn’t going to be able to hide any longer. The show was over. Acceptance of that reality gave him the courage to finally go through with it. He was grateful to Nils for it and wanted to thank him by making sweet love to him.

So many nights, Nils had presumed their evening together would end like this but it never had. A part of him wondered why it finally did that night, but he was so thrilled that he’d be with Davey, he didn’t question his good fortune.

Davey’s sleek, black Acura navigated the main streets out of Hollywood, headed towards Santa Monica. They were unusually quiet and Davey gave Nils full control of the sound system. The mood lightened as Davey made teasing comments about Nils’ musical choices.

“What the hell is that?” Davey feigned disgust at what he was hearing.

“What?!” Davey pretended to be shocked by Nils' answer. “That twin sister act from cunting Disney?!”

Nils shook his head, chuckling. “You’re such a fucking snob sometimes… I don’t really like their music but I’ve met them. They’re nice.”

“The Veronicas,” Davey muttered under his breath.

“I know their name isn’t as bitchin’ as ‘A.F.I.,’ but it’s no worse than ‘The Smiths.’ ” Nils grinned jauntily, showing a long canine tooth.

Davey wouldn’t acknowledge Nils’ victory. “Speaking of…put on The Smiths. I’ll be the dj. You obviously can‘t be trusted.”

“Anything for my old man.” Nils patted his knee reassuringly. “Where do you keep the 8-tracks in here?” he asked, still grinning.

Nils turned towards Davey as they joked and admired his classical profile. He tried to ignore how sharp and gaunt Davey’s face had become over the months. How he looked perpetually exhausted. How he no longer smiled with his eyes. Nils felt his own smile fading. He reached for Davey’s hand and gave it a gentle squeeze.

Davey glanced over at Nils and turned up the corners of his mouth. Nils bit his lip, stifling the words he longed to say. He felt exposed, sure Davey could see what was in his heart.

Davey was struck by just how beautiful the young man beside him really was. He’d been in his company more than anyone’s since he and Jade…were no longer. Had he really seen him before now?

Had he seen the way he lowered his deep blue eyes and looked away when he felt self-conscious? Long, thick black lashes and perfectly shaped black brows heightened the look. Raven hair falling forward, feathered against his milky cheeks. Wide, full lips flushed with blood, turning a deep rose.

Davey had a sudden urge to sink his teeth into that thin tissue and draw out a drop. He could almost taste it.

He turned into a private drive lined with mature palms and passed through a wrought iron entrance. Nils could smell the ocean. He now realized they hadn’t been driving towards Davey’s apartment at all and felt foolish. He’d been enjoying Davey’s company so much he hadn’t noticed.

 

Davey came to the end of the long driveway and pulled up to the entrance of the old wing of the posh Fairmont Miramar Hotel.

Nils asked, “Davey, why are we here? I assumed we’d go to your place in Boystown.”

“Oh, umm. They’re replacing all the carpeting in my little apartment so I took a room here for a few days. It was an excuse to live it up. You like?”

“Well, yeah. It’s sweeet. I mean, the Fairmont! I‘ve always wanted to see this place.” Nils voice got a little higher with excitement.

“Go into the lobby and look around. I’ll meet you as soon as I get the car parked.” Nils turned and sauntered towards the entrance, peering around the lighted grounds like he’d just landed in Oz..

Davey turned to the handsome, turbaned parking valet who seemed to appear from nowhere and handed him the car-keys. “How are you tonight?” He held the man in his gaze with genuine interest.

The valet could not resist smiling, his brilliant white teeth accentuated by his chestnut-brown complexion and neatly trimmed black beard. He liked this American guest. He was always so kind and polite and spoke to him as a friend, without being patronizing. “I am well, Sir, very well. And yourself?”

“Fine, thanks,” not meeting his eyes. Davey paused then and put out his hand to the valet. He did not shake the man‘s hand, just held it warmly in his own. “I’m Dave. May I ask your name?”

Shock flooded the man’s face. “I, too, am Dev! Dev Singh!” grinning and squeezing Davey’s hand in his enthusiasm.

Davey laughed with delight at the coincidence. “I know you are Sikh and your surname is Singh - meaning ‘lion,’ correct?” The man nodded. “So, what does you first name mean?”

“Well, Sir, very simply, it means…god.”

Davey became very quiet. He looked deep into the valet’s eyes for awhile, searching for something. He slipped his fingers into the inner breast pocket of his jacket and withdrew a money clip with several hundred dollar bills in it.

He pressed the clip into the valet’s palm. Still gazing into the man’s eyes, he whispered, “Please. I don’t need it anymore. Please take it. You’ll know what to do with it.” Davey turned and quickly walked away.

The valet stood in shock, at a loss for words. Finally finding his voice, he called out , “Sir, enjoy your evening with your young friend!” He could think of nothing more appropriate to say. Davey looked over his shoulder and nodded, smiling. When the pale American turned away for the last time, a wave of sadness swept over the valet, feeling as if he would never see the man again.

******************************************************************************************

Davey caught up with Nils in the lobby. He took his hand and led him through a labyrinth of porticos and hallways, away from the old wing of the original hotel. Nils spotted the ten-story high-rise ahead of them. “Is your room in the Ocean Tower?”

“Yes…there are the elevators over there.” They turned and walked towards them, still holding hands.  
The doors opened in response and they stepped into the compartment.

Like a child anxious to push the buttons, Nils asked which floor, his finger hovering over the keypad.

“Ten.”

“Top floor? Sweeet. How’s the view? Do you have a private balcony? Can you see the ocean?”

“Yes. You are. Beautiful. Yes. And yes.” Nils laughed at Davey’s clever answer.

“I bet the rooms are nice. And expensive.”

“Very. This suite’s over $400 a night.” Nils jaw dropped.

“It’s worth it. Marble bath. Four-poster kingsize bed.” Nils eyes went wide, then he lowered them, looking away, blushing.

Barely loud enough to be heard, he asked, “Do you have any restraints?”

Davey arched an approving eyebrow at his boldness. “Yeesss. Velvet ties. I always pack them. Just in case I meet a beautiful boy in the elevator.”

In a flash, Nils was against him, his open mouth slamming into Davey’s. His hands fisted the lapels of Davey’s white jacket.

Davey gave himself permission to feel. It had been a long time since he’d had tongue and Nils was so good at this. Davey wrapped his arms around him and held him tight. Nils pressed his hips into Davey’s, letting him know he was already hard for him. Davey groaned. He couldn’t help it. He’d missed sex so much since Jade…

The elevator doors opened silently on the tenth floor.  
  
  


 

  
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. All publicly recognizable characters and settings are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended.

This story archived at <http://www.afislash.com/viewstory.php?sid=4552>


	5. Chapter 5

“Wow, this is amazing.” Nils stood in awe of the plush interior of Davey’s suite, ten stories up, at the top of Ocean Tower. He caught sight of the bedroom to the right. He could see the huge bed, covered in luxurious linens. It was a four-poster, just as Davey had said. Nils chewed nervously on his bottom lip.

On the far side of the room, straight ahead, was the balcony. Nils wanted to check out the famous view, even if it was 2:30 a.m. He’d see the lights of Santa Monica Pier, some stars, maybe the ocean if there was enough moonlight. He had the wide glass door open just an inch when he felt Davey’s arms around his waist, pulling him back.

“No,” Davey whispered in his ear.

“But, Davey, I want to see…”

“Remember the marble bath I told you about? I want to show you that now.” Davey’s hands slid further down to Nils’ hipbones, gently sinking his fingers into the hollows. The simple gesture struck Nils as incredibly erotic. Davey’s fingers just inches from his semi-erect cock made Nils lean back into him.

Davey released him, took his hand and led him to the bathroom. There was an array of lighting settings and he chose to keep the room dim with a subtle, golden spotlight warming the garden tub.

Davey stood in front of Nils, unbuttoning his shirt with nimble fingers. “We could use a dip. It got hot in the club tonight.”

“I just want to be naked with you in the water.”

“That’s happened more than once before…”

“Yeah, but this time I think I’ll actually get something out of it.”

Davey chuckled, shaking his head. “My, you are earnest tonight.”

“Is that a problem?” Nils challenged him, looking him straight in the eye.

“Hell, no. I think I’ll bend you over the sink and fuck you raw right now. Is that a problem?” Davey's eyes remained locked with Nils as he slid Nils shirt off his shoulders. His hands rested on the bare, thin arms.

“Hell, no. Do it.” Nils dropped his pants to his ankles and stepped out of them. He kicked them to the side. He never broke eye contact with Davey.

Nils won and Davey glanced down, laughing. “I’m not serious. I want to get to know you first.”

Nils feigned disappointment and pouted. “But you will do it later, won’t you?”

Davey had seen Nils’ erection when he’d glanced down. He stepped closer, so their bodies were touching and placed his hands lightly on Nils non-existent buttocks. He rubbed his palms on the material of his mini-boxers.

“Um, satin. I love it. These are nice.”

“They should be, you bought them for me.”

“I did?! Oh, I mean, of course, I did.” Davey was embarrassed that he didn’t remember giving Nils such an intimate gift.

Nils smiled at him. “It’s okay. I wouldn’t expect you to remember. You were buying lots of clothes for both of us at a boutique. I picked these up and held them in front of me and wiggled my hips. You said the color, this midnight blue, would look great against my pale skin. And you liked the cut, the low slung look.”  
Nils had replayed that innocent scene countless times in his mind, often giving it a different ending.

“I do remember, I think. That’s the place I liked to buy scarves for Jade…” The name burned on his tongue.

Nils watched the transformation in Davey’s face. Relaxed playfulness was being erased by the threat of overwhelming grief.

“Next time I see that motherfucker, I’m going to kiss him for setting you free, then I’m going to punch him the fuck out for hurting you like this.” ‘Oh shit. I did not say that out loud.’ Nils inwardly kicked himself.

Davey sounded as if he‘d choke on the words. “Don’t you see…I’ll never be free, never. I don‘t want to be…” Nils couldn’t bear the look on his face, like a wounded animal, too injured to get up and flee.

“But you can forget! Just for a little while, let yourself forget!” Nils pleaded. He pressed his lips against Davey’s, then withdrew them and returned with three quick pecks on his mouth.

He began with more kisses on his neck, under his ear. He whispered insistently, “Forget, forget, forget,” as he kissed down to the collar of Davey’s tee.

Nils whipped the shirt off over Davey’s arms and head. Davey stood still, compliant. Nils immediately went to work on his jeans. He knelt down as he pulled them to the floor and guided Davey’s feet out of them. He remained kneeling and placed his hands on Davey’s hips. He kissed a V from one hipbone down along the crease of his groin, lingered over the pubes, then up along the other crease to that hip. By the time he was done, Davey was getting hard.

With his tongue, Nils repeated the path down, linger, up again. Re-trace the wet lines, this time explore the crevices where his muscular thighs met his balls. Davey was now nearly fully erect and Nils could not resist taking him into his mouth. Gently, gently he used his flattened tongue to slide along the underside of the long, thick shaft, to push against the head, the pierced tip. Nils allowed no space between his lips and Davey’s cock. He began a gradual sucking and heard Davey’s loud sigh.

He took him farther in, wanting to press his lips around the base of his cock but he couldn’t do it without deep-throating. He was just too long, and that piercing... Reluctantly, he pulled his mouth away. The shock of cold air on his wet cock made Davey gasp.

Nils stood and gripped him by his arms and pulled him towards the bath. “Sit,” pulling him down with one hand while the other turned on the water full-force and adjusted the temperature. Sure it was comfortable, he stepped in and again pulled Davey by the hand. Nils leaned against the back of the tub and held Davey against his chest, leaning forward he kissed his shoulders. His own erection was pressing into Davey’s back but Nils chose to ignore it.

“I’m going to wash your hair.” Davey closed his eyes in assent. Nils sat him up and reached for the thick, wonderfully fragrant shampoo. He tilted Davey’s head back and massaged the cream into his scalp. He had Davey scoot down so he was completely submerged except for his face. Nils worked the water through his hair to rinse it. Then he noticed the tears dripping down from the far corners of Davey’s eyes, where his crinkles used to appear, into the hair at his temples. He cradled the back of Davey’s head in his hands, looking at the beautiful, tortured face floating disembodied in the soothing water.

Nils sighed deeply at the sight, his heart breaking a little. His anger came up quick and furious but he kept his mouth shut. Jade. What the fuck was wrong with him. He threw this away for what?? Some teenage chick, as deep as a dime. Nils didn’t know her personally but he didn’t need to. He knew a hundred girls just like her in the L.A. modeling circles. Just another starfucker. “And he had this god at his feet, at his goddamn feet.’ It was Nils turn to cry.

Davey heard him sniffle and looked up, alarmed. “No. Stop. You can’t.” He was up and turned on his side, nuzzling Nils’ neck, pulling him down deeper into the warm water. His lips hungry on his throat, his jaw, his mouth. Hands touching everywhere, his chest, his stomach, his groin, his thighs. Hand wrapped around his cock, pulling it back to hardness, then stroking.

Mouth at Nils’ ear, tongue tracing the inner swirls, delicately fucking the opening. Nils groaned and turned his head so their mouths met again. Between kisses, Nils reminded him. “Forget, Davey.” Davey answered, “Forget what?” and tongued him deeply to block anymore words.  


 

  
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. All publicly recognizable characters and settings are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended.

This story archived at <http://www.afislash.com/viewstory.php?sid=4552>


	6. Chapter 6

Countless hours of gripping microphones had given Davey a masterful grasp. He pumped Nils' cock with his strong fingers, the pad of his thumb rubbing over the slit with every upstroke.

With the tip of his toe, Davey opened the drain control. He showed no sign of moving out of the bath. As the water slowly seeped away, Nils’ tiny nipples became exposed. Davey flicked them with his tongue. Nils lifted his head to glance down at Davey and what he was doing to his body.

Davey felt the stare and rolled his eyes up to meet it. He smiled with the tip of his tongue on Nils’ nipple. He stilled his hand on Nils’ cock, resting his wrist. Nils tilted his head back, closing his eyes. Thrusting into Davey’s slack hand, he groaned at the lack of friction.

Davey’s hand abandoned his erection altogether but he leaned up and kissed Nils’ mouth. He’d meant to pull away - he had plans, after all - but his lips were so soft and plump he lingered, playing with each one in turn. He couldn’t leave those lips.

He stretched out on top of Nils, pressing him into the smooth marble. He hadn’t known the golden spotlight he’d chosen as the only direct lighting, functioned as a heat lamp, as well. The stone was as warm as living flesh.

Although his back was arched uncomfortably, Davey supported himself on his hands so he could focus on that mouth that held him captive. He pressed his lips against Nils', varying the pressure to produce different sensations. He played his lipring over them. Nils snared the ring with his teeth and tugged sharply, sending a bolt of desire straight to Davey’s cock.

Davey was incredibly aroused. When Nils released the ring, he took Nils’ pillow-soft bottom lip between his teeth and bit hard, puncturing it with his canine tooth. Nils gave a muffled yelp of pain and reflexively dug his fingers into Davey’s shoulders. That only excited Davey more.

He sucked hard at the wound, summoning the blood to the surface. He ran his tongue over it, relishing the tangy, salty taste. Nils’ cock felt like it was going to explode as Davey sipped from his injury.

Davey pulled back and looked into Nils’ eyes. The dark blue had all but disappeared, eclipsed by the black pupils, dilated wide with fear and lust. Nils was without thought as he lost himself in the dark brown of Davey’s gaze. Whoever said Davey was a demon in the sack wasn’t kidding.

Davey rose from Nils so he had both hands free. Nils passively watched him from beneath hooded eyes, wondering what he’d do next. Davey took one of the thick facecloths from the stack on the tub ledge and wet it in the remaining six inches of warm water they lay in.

He leaned forward and squeezed the water out onto Nils reclined head, working it into his hair. He repeated the action several times until Nils’ hair and face felt fresh. Then Davey folded the cloth lengthwise several times and placed it heavily across Nils’ closed eyes, effectively blindfolding him.

Davey fingered the miniature bottles and jars of lotions and creams the hotel had placed beside the tub. They were of the finest quality. He found what he wanted, a tiny jar of pure cocoa butter.

Nils’ nostrils flared as the aroma of chocolate reached his nose. He swallowed the saliva that had rushed into his mouth. He felt Davey’s fingertip slick his abused, swollen lip with the rich-smelling cream. He anointed each of his nipples with it. He knew Davey’s palm was greased with it when he wrapped his hand around his twitching cock and very slowly stroked him from base to tip, bringing out a bead of pre-cum.

Nils didn’t know where Davey was anymore. Rather than groping the air in an attempt to find him, he extended his arms and held on to the sides of the tub. He felt Davey shifting position again.

Davey straddled his hips, his knees against Nils’ ribs. He pushed two fingers coated with a generous amount of cocoa butter inside himself and pumped them in and out a few times. He circled the inner ring of resistance until it relaxed. He needed very little prepping. Davey couldn’t go more than a day without an orgasm and he employed his favorite anal dildo frequently.

He was eager for Nils to fill him. He placed one hand on Nils’ wrist as it rested along the side of the tub, steadying himself. With the other hand, he reached behind him and took ahold of Nils’ stiff cock. He lifted, leaned forward and aligned Nils’ cock with his entrance.

He lowered himself until his pucker rested on the head. He let go and placed that hand on Nils’ other wrist. Adequately anchored, he slowly pushed himself down onto Nils’ erection, an inch at a time. Davey forced himself down until his balls pressed on Nils’ pubic mound, just above the base of his shaft.

Nils gave a loud moan. This had been worth waiting for. He was completely sheathed inside Davey’s hot, slippery walls.

Davey felt the head of Nils’ cock pushing hard against his prostate, deep inside him. He knew the slightest movement would produce little eruptions of ecstasy. When he spoke, his voice was deep and raspy with longing. “Fuck me, Nils.”

Nils’ hips shot up at his words. They couldn’t get far, Davey had ground himself down on him so tightly.  
Just that small movement proved too much for Davey. He lifted off of Nils several inches but kept him inside. Nils wanted to be buried deep inside Davey again so he thrust up into him. Using the strength in his arms and legs, Davey suspended himself so there was room for friction when Nils pushed and pulled at his hole.

Davey breathed slowly through his nose, fighting for self-control. Nils panted as he gripped the edge of the tub. He bent his knees and braced his feet against the sides of it, using his entire lower body to fuck Davey hard. Davey responded by meeting his thrusts, rhythmically riding him, punching his prostate every time he sat down. He was vibrating with intense pleasure.

Nils wanted this to never end and he wanted to come so badly. The facecloth blindfold had slipped off his eyes as his head lolled back and forth. He looked down to see Davey rocking on him as he lifted his hips over and over, fucking him.

Davey’s erection was nearly parallel to his stomach. Nils could see the pulsing veins on the underside. ‘Christ, he’s huge.’ The sight pushed Nils’ balls and cock into spasm. He lost all control of his movements as he thrust deep and hard, in and out of Davey’s tightness, fucking him furiously. His orgasm was pulled from every part of this body and rushed into his cock. He felt his cum spurt repeatedly deep inside Davey as he cried out, “Ohgod,ohgod,ohgod,” eyes squeezed shut.

He was still convulsively pumping into him as he went soft. The pace slowed and he finally stopped moving. Licking his lips, dry from panting, seeking to regulate his breath, he opened his eyes. He worked to bring Davey into focus, from the colorful kaleidoscope of skin and ink he appeared as to Nils’ now sex-addled brain.

Davey had lifted off his soft dick and lightly sat on his lower abdomen. He was looking at him, a smile playing at his lips. He tilted his head a little to the side and arched an eyebrow. “Are you all right?,” perfectly aware Nils was beyond all right.

“Ohmygod…that was…you are…” He just stared at Davey in amazement. He’d never felt as much love for anyone as he did for Davey at that moment. His throat constricted as a sob of emotion tried to escape. His eyes watered instead.

“You look all right. In fact, you’re glowing.” Davey’s smile grew. “But I’m a little uncomfortable,” glancing down at his throbbing erection. He had never struggled so hard to stave off climaxing as he did when he felt Nils’ hot cum pulsing against his prostate. But - he had plans, after all.

“What can I do to help you, beautiful?” Nils was quickly recovering his strength as he contemplated what was next on Davey’s agenda. He couldn’t touch Davey. Their hands had locked together, palm to palm, fingers intertwined as they rode out their passion.

Their hands were still tightly clasped. Davey raised a pair to his lips and kissed Nils’ knuckles. “Come to the bedroom with me and I’ll show you.”

***************************************************************************************

Davey whipped the featherless duvet to the foot of the bed. (The Fairmont was the kind of place that would gladly provide substitutions for feather pillows and comforters when requested by a stalwart vegan guest.)  
Nils sat on the edge of the bed, watching Davey retrieve something from his suitcase.

Davey stood in front of him, four long strips of black velvet in his hand. Nils looked up to see a hard, set expression on Davey’s face. His stomach fluttered as a touch of fear flickered across his mind. He’d smiled and said he would stay. Now he waited for Davey’s instructions.

“Lie face down.” Nils stretched out on his stomach against the impossibly soft sheet. His head rested on a pillow, face turned towards where Davey stood beside the bed. The pillow was yanked, none too gently, from beneath his cheek.

“Lift your hips.” Nils felt the pillow being positioned beneath him. “Higher.” He had to approach kneeling to give Davey the height he required to wedge a second pillow beneath his hips. “Keep your head down.” Nils had inadvertently lifted his head along with his hips. He rested his cheek on the mattress.

Davey worked quickly to secure Nils’ wrists and ankles to the bedposts with the velvet ties. He went around again and tightened them until Nils’ skin burned where they restrained him. He felt his buttocks spread wide. He closed his eyes and consciously fought the rising panic.

There had been something frightening in Davey’s eyes as he’d stared at Nils, the restraints dangling from his raised hand. He loved Davey - didn’t he trust him?

Davey climbed onto the bed, pausing between Nils’ open legs. “You can’t imagine how breathtaking you look right now.” Nils hoped he heard tenderness in Davey’s voice. Davey reached up over Nils’ body and traced a finger across his face where the black hair fell against his pale cheek. He noticed Nils’ lip was swollen from being bitten. The sight made Davey’s scrotum tighten.

Davey knelt close to Nils’ body, his knees pressed into the inside of Nils’ thighs. With the lower half of his body stabilized, Davey was free to use his hands as he wished. He sunk his fingers into the muscles at Nils’ shoulders and kneaded them loose. Once he felt Nils’ body relax, he dug his long, manicured nails into the soft skin above his shoulder blade and slowly raked them down his back.

Nils squeezed his eyes shut and bit his lip, determined not to protest the pain. He tasted his own blood as his teeth cut into the wound Davey had put there. Davey sighed with satisfaction as the lines he’d made down Nils’ back turned red with blood. He was encouraged to stretch out on top of Nils, pressing his weight into the torn flesh on his back.

Nils winced and involuntarily shrank away. Davey noticed and repositioned his straining cock to lie along the crevice of Nils’ buttocks, reminding him of just how big he really was.

He kissed and nibbled the side of Nils’ neck. Nils’ lips parted and he softly moaned with pleasure. He felt himself hardening against the pillows under his hips. He didn’t notice when Davey’s kisses turned vicious, leaving ugly bruises and the outlines of sharp teeth in their wake.

Davey lifted off Nils and sat back on his heels to survey his handiwork: the bead of blood on the lower lip, the darkening patches and bitemarks coursing down the pale, graceful throat, the bloody tracks down the length of the white back, ending below his waist. He’d never known such arousal. It was unbearable and demanded to be answered.

He leaned over Nils’ body once more, supporting his weight on one hand. He grasped his cock with the other and placed the head against Nils’ entrance. Without the slightest hesitation, he threw his head back and thrust deep into Nils. Nils screamed, jerking at the wrist restraints, cutting himself.

Davey hovered above Nils, his biceps bulging as he held himself up on his hands. Nils’ lack of ass provided no cushion against the assault and Davey easily buried his shaft to the hilt inside him. He pounded his cock into Nils, harder and harder, ignoring his pleas to stop.

He began to slide more easily as Nils’ blood and a copious amount of his own pre-cum lubricated the passage. He increased his speed.

Nils softly wept as he whispered Davey’s name. His lips trembled and hot tears and snot dripped onto the sheet. Hands bound, he couldn't wipe them away. Bound all around, he couldn't ecape and he knew it. He ceased any resistance, conquered.

When Davey sensed his complete surrender, he unleashed his orgasm, flooding Nils with cum, his entire body shuddering, his voice choked by a silent scream that came from the core of his being. Blinding flashes of brilliant white burst across the darkness behind his closed eyes.

For a harrowing moment he was sure his heart had stopped and he was dying. “La petite mort.” Sleep? No, surely they meant sex like this.

When the rigor had left his muscles and he could relax, Davey gently lowered himself on Nils, shifting his weight to his knees to avoid pressing heavily against him. He lightly kissed his cheek and tenderly nuzzled his neck, careful not to touch the bruises and bites.

Nils lay so quietly, Davey might’ve thought he was asleep, if not for the fluttering of his long, dark lashes.

Davey got up from the bed and leisurely untied the restraints, one by one. Nils relaxed, breathing evenly. Although his body was wracked with pain, he was no longer afraid.

“Nils, let me take these, honey. Lift up, careful now.” Davey’s voice couldn’t have been more solicitous if he’d been his mother. Ever so gently, Davey slid the pillows from beneath Nils’ battered hips. He tossed them up against the headboard, flipping one over to hide the blood stain. He pulled the sheet and duvet over Nils’ shoulders.

Davey crept onto the bed and slipped under the coverings. He reached for Nils. “Come here, baby.” He helped him crawl up against him. They reclined against the pillows, Davey cuddling him in his strong arms, lips grazing the top of his head.

Davey leaned his head back and sighed heavily, closing his eyes. Nils opened his and touched his fingertips to Davey’s tattoos: the flaming heart that symbolized a fire inside, the spectral visions that haunted his arm, the bright stars along his collarbone that tenuously connected him to the universe. His slender hand came to rest over a painted dagger that slashed across Davey's ribs.

Nils mouthed, “I love you,” against Davey’s shoulder but he was too near sleep to produce the sounds to go with the words. A solitary tear slid down Davey’s face as he thought with horror of what he’d done.

 

  
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. All publicly recognizable characters and settings are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended.

This story archived at <http://www.afislash.com/viewstory.php?sid=4552>


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter goes back and forth in time. I hope it's not confusing. It made sense when I wrote/read it.

“Sleep while you can, baby.” Davey placed the lightest of kisses on Nils’ eyelids and forehead. He stood still, drinking in the young man’s beauty. Nils was curled up on his side, his hand under his pallid cheek, childlike. As he turned away, Davey heard Nils whimper in his sleep and he was seized anew with self-loathing.

He dressed in his favorite hoodie and smoke-gray, silk lounging pants. He knotted and re-knotted the drawstring on the pants so they’d never come undone. The waist rested just below his narrow hips, exposing the tragically predictive tattoo: Love Will Tear Us Apart. Spotting a velvet tie on the floor, he picked it up and stuffed it in his jacket pocket.

Davey walked out onto the balcony, leaving the door ajar. He stared into the darkness and fingered the strip of black velvet in his pocket, remembering how he’d used it to restrain Nils. ‘ _Restrain_ , such a gentle word for such a violent act.’

Davey pulled his hand from his pocket and glancing down, saw that his fingernails were encrusted with Nils' flesh and blood.

Nils had been almost eager to crawl into his arms after he’d assaulted him. ‘He’d probably let me do anything to him, eventually.’ A part of Davey recoiled from the thought but another part of him was curious to test the limits of Nils’ tolerance - and his own power. His cock stirred and bile rose in his throat at the same time. ‘You’re weak, disgusting, a sick fuck,’ he berated himself and spat on the ground.

Davey stepped up to the railing and looked down. Ten stories. Anything above six stories ensured the result he sought. Was this the right time, the right method? They were at the height of their success, like a star burning bright before descent. The others could begin new projects easily now. He’d live in infamy for only a short time, the world moves on so swiftly. One at a time, they’d all forget.

He’d considered the options carefully. A drug overdose would make a mockery of everything he’d stood for during his life. Drowning was indeed an art. He might panic and save himself. Same applied to slitting the wrists. The self-preservation instinct couldn’t be underestimated.

Hanging, preferred method of his idols. Eventually someone had to find you and he just felt too bad for that person. What a sight.

CO2 poisoning - he didn’t have a garage at his place. Guns, he hated the violence and the mess.

The mess. He regretted that but it was why he didn’t choose a greater height. The gravity pull from ten stories would be bad enough. The exclusive Fairmont was the perfect place. A safe haven for celebrities since the 1920s, it specialized in cleaning up after the messy lives of wealthy neurotics of all kinds, especially those in the arts and politics. Publicity would be kept to a minimum and details handled tastefully.

He looked into the distance. He could feel, more than see, the approaching daybreak. The air changed ever so subtly. He could still see the stars, competing against the killing lights of the cities. Back home, up north, the stars were spectacular in the black, open skies above the hills. They’d been his only companions on countless sleepless nights, even as a child.

Home. His mother. She’d understand. She’d been the one who’d told him he didn’t belong here. When he’d cry, lonely and despairing, she’d tell him the story of how he’d come here. Angelic beings, lost, ended up spending a lifetime on earth before they could continue on their journey. She guessed he was one of those. She’d rub his back at bedtime, coaxing him to sleep. She’d say, “There they are, your wings, just beneath your skin. They can only be felt when you’re on the edge of sleep. Belle noche, Angelica.”

She told him his father had been one, too. He’d made a terrible mistake and thought he could fly. He should’ve known those wings wouldn’t work on earth. Gravity pulls down everything. But mortal life makes angels forgetful of so many important things, things Davey couldn’t remember, either.

When he was older, Davey had learned the truth. His father, the man who gave him his good looks and so many other gifts, had jumped off Golden Gate Bridge, the night of December 21, 1979. He had been 30 years old.

His father was a moderately successful poet with several volumes of his work published by independent and university presses. Copies could still be found in small libraries and used-book stores. He taught literature and poetry workshops sporadically at local colleges, where he was a very popular lecturer. He had an uncanny understanding of the pain of youth, in particular and life, in general. Despite his sensitivity to suffering, he had an easy laugh and truly enjoyed people as individuals.

He had a lovely, talented wife and a son he adored when the monster re-emerged. He thought he’d never see its face again.

He’d been free of heroin addiction for seven years. He’d fallen in love with Penny when he’d been clean for two. He was so alone. His family had disowned him when his addiction had bound him and shame kept him from seeking reconciliation after he’d broken it’s hold. As far as Penny knew, his family didn’t know she or David existed to this day. Did they know the son they’d said was dead to them was now just that? She didn’t know.

In any case, love hadn’t been enough to save him. Indeed, it was what killed him. It was love for his wife and little boy that pushed him off the bridge on that cold, desolate night.

Try as he might, he knew he was losing the battle with the drug. He was determined to spare Penny and David the living hell that life became for the family of a heroin addict. He knew it wouldn’t be long before the need consumed everything, even his will to die. It would keep him alive so it could be fed. He would not allow that to happen.

****************************************************************************************

For many years, it had been Davey’s ritual on December 21st to lock himself in his room, take down the archival box from the shelf in his closet and read the books inside.

Feeling something akin to a religious experience, he’d run his fingertips along the spines, over his father’s name engraved there, ‘Anthony D. Passaro.’ He’d hold the slender books gingerly and open them to the dedication. It was always the same. “For my muse, Penelope and my angel, David. With all my heart, Tony.”

Davey continued, reading every word, beginning to end, until he’d finish them all by dawn. As the sun rose, he’d complete the ritual. He’d study the black and white photo of his father. He was laughing, showing his perfect teeth, his mouth encircled by a tidy goatee. His thick, dark hair, parted in the middle, fell in waves to his shoulders. His eyes, topped by heavy brows, crinkled in delight at the corners. He was holding a newborn whose small face already suggested his father’s long jaw and sharp chin.

Davey would tuck it back into the books, close the box and replace it on the shelf until the next December. He hadn’t cried over that picture in years.

*****************************************************************************************

No wonder so much of his father’s verses had seeped into Davey’s subconscious and re-emerged in his lyrics. Only his mother, who’d been reading Tony’s poems longer than Davey had, recognized them. It worried her to no end.

She was terrified the entire time AFI was in Prague filming _Silver and Cold_. She refused to see the video when it was finished. It would’ve been like watching Davey re-enact his father’s suicide. Yet she was sure he had no idea what he was doing.

Penny had always worried about David - his sensitivity, his tendency towards secrecy, his unstable gender identity, his tragic loss, his fascination with death and all things dark. His affinity for All Hallows Eve sprung from the hope that his father would reach through to him on that night, when the veil separating the living and the dead was thinnest.

His mother’s greatest fear had not materialized. She’d been so relieved when he claimed the X, safe from the lure of drugs and alcohol. What she didn’t know was that a subtler addiction possessed him. He’d come to need more and more intense sexual experiences to quell the inner agitation. He felt as defeated by what had happened with Nils that night as his father had, standing on that bridge, the satisfaction of his last fix fading away.

*****************************************************************************************

No one knew much about Davey’s father outside his family. Jade knew as much as anyone. The bare facts were that “Marchand” was Davey’s adopted name, he’d been born David Anthony Passaro and his father had died when he was very young. End of story.

Jade was 13, Davey 11, when Jade overheard his aunt talking on the phone. Davey and Michael had spent the weekend with Jade’s family while Penny and Paul took a weekend trip up the coast. The aunt was sharing about how nice it had been to have the Marchand brothers visit, what a sweet and charming boy David was, how he was going to be all right despite the tragedy of his childhood. “It just goes to show that just because your father kills himself, you don’t have to turn out to be a mass murderer.”

Being 13, it didn’t occur to Jade to ask an adult about what he’d heard. For years, he waited for a hint from Davey or his family that there was an untold story, but it never came. Davey had Paul’s last name and always treated him as the only father he’d ever known. Paul had been a wonderful father to Davey. He’d been understanding of his effeminacy and sympathetic when he was made to suffer for it. He had supported AFI from the beginning, sensing how important it was to Davey’s very survival. He’d even gotten a large tattoo of the band’s logo on his arm, years before they’d tasted commercial success.

As for Michael being Davey’s half-sibling, they were as close as Jade and Smith.

Jade suspected the hints were hidden in Davey’s lyrics but he didn’t know how to confirm it. His greatest fear was that Davey himself didn’t know the truth and Jade would reveal something that had the potential to destroy him.

It was just one more thing that tore them apart.

*****************************************************************************************

Davey’s knuckles whitened as he gripped the balcony railing hard. He squeezed his eyes shut, tears stinging behind the lids, as if that would stop the flood of images in his mind. Scenes of him with Jade, so happy, as if it would never end.

Jade. Who’d known him since childhood…who instinctively knew the music that would convey the essence of his words…who completed him. If Jade couldn’t bear to love him, what hope was there?

‘Nils loves me,’ Davey thought bitterly. ‘Or he did until tonight. Now he knows what I’m capable of. He tasted the malice, the selfishness that lives inside of me.’ Shamefully, he added, ‘He knows what I’ve come to need. I’m so afraid he’s willing to give it to me.’ He could only hope Nils’ love had died that night.

Davey thought he heard a bird signal the rising of the sun somewhere over the horizon. The darkness around him lightened a shade. He stepped up onto the chair he’d placed against the railing. Throwing back the hood of his jacket, he positioned the wide strip of black velvet across his closed eyes and wound it around and around his head, knotting it tightly. If he couldn’t see, he wouldn’t be afraid.

He pulled the hood back up, far over his head, his profile barely visible. Feeling along the railing ledge, he imagined how he would balance on it. He thought of Adam’s drum riser and smiled.

 

  
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. All publicly recognizable characters and settings are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended.

This story archived at <http://www.afislash.com/viewstory.php?sid=4552>


	8. Chapter 8

Jade bolted upright in bed, heart pounding in his ears. He blinked rapidly. Sunrise was beginning to lighten the sky. He glanced beside him, relieved to remember that Melissa was away visiting her sister. The dream had been so real.

He’d heard Davey wailing somewhere in the dark. Jade was frantically trying to find him, following the sound of the keening cry. Finally, he saw Davey in the distance, illumined by a glow behind him. He came closer and closer until he could see Davey’s face. His eyes held so much love for Jade.

Jade reached out to touch Davey, but he was gone. He looked down and saw him falling away from him. Jade lunged for him but it was too late. He’d fallen too far to be reached. He watched helplessly as Davey grew smaller and smaller and then disappeared into the dark again.

Jade picked up his sidekick, hands shaking, and dialed Nils. He knew by now that Nils pretty much hated his guts for breaking up with Davey, although he’d obviously used it to his own advantage. None of that mattered to Jade now. He needed to know Davey was all right.

Nils didn’t answer, of course. All he could do was leave a message. “Nils. I know you don’t wanna talk to me. Just…is Davey okay? Message me. Please.”

Jade jammed his hands into his hair and threw himself back down on the bed. He stared at the ceiling.  
His mind drifted and thoughts he’d avoided for several months intruded.

**************************************************************************

Why had he really broke it off with Davey, despite being so in love with him? There was a reason. ‘It’s all Jeffree’s fault. Yeah, Jeffree fucking Star,’ Jade thought with disgust. ‘Never trusted him, warned Dave against him…’ He remembered one of the many conversations he’d had with Davey on the subject.

“All I’m saying is be cautious until you know him better. People aren’t stray cats, Dave. Sometimes they look like they need to be rescued but they have ulterior motives. You got him off the streets, he’s making a name for himself as an entertainer, now there’s no reason to give him so much of your time.”

“Except that I enjoy hanging out with him.”

Jade rolled his eyes and clamped his mouth shut. He knew the quickest way to strengthen Davey’s loyalty to someone who didn’t deserve it was to harshly criticize said person. Or make it sound like you’re telling him what to do, who to like. Either tactic blew up in your face just fine.

Jade started to seriously worry when Davey began to accompany Jeffree to sex clubs that specialized in b&d, s&m. Davey begged Jade to go with him but Jade steadfastly refused. “It’s not my scene. You know that.”

Davey did know. Jade was one of the few people Davey knew who wouldn’t tolerate even mild bondage. He’d always been that way. Davey hadn’t minded, he was so grateful that they’d finally become lovers, just being able to touch Jade intimately was enough.

“…and, frankly, I’m worried you’re going to do something there. I’m not telling you what to do but I wish you wouldn’t go at all.” There, he’d said it.

Davey reassured him that nothing of the kind would happen, he was only going to watch. He found it fascinating, he was curious. That’s all the reason Davey ever needed to do anything.

Jeffree knew it was causing tension between the two and he did everything he could to encourage it. He thought Davey would be better off with someone more adventurous than Jade. He just didn’t like the man.

Coming back from a club one night, Jeffree poked at the sore spot. “So what if he doesn’t like you going? He’s so anal - pardon my pun! And conceited. And homophobic. And queer. Ew.”

Davey chuckled. He was accustomed to Jeffree’s “Jade tirade.” It was just the flip side to Jade’s “Jeffree tirade.” ‘Can’t we all just get along?’ Davey mused to himself, smiling.

“You’re talking about the love of my life, darling, so shut the fuck up.”

“The girl is too vanilla for you, Daveeee. Your taste runs to dark chocolate and it’s getting darker all the time.” Davey felt a bit uncomfortable with the possible truth of that statement.

“Our sex life is more than positions and whether he’ll let me cuff him or not.”

“Ah, love conquers all. Tell that to your dick the next time you can’t get it up at the thought of a simple fuck.”

‘What a ghastly thing to say! That could never happen. Could it?’ Davey was shaken but concealed it.  
He laughed. “You obviously don’t know my dick very well.”

“Not as well as I’d like. Whip it out and I’ll make its acquaintance. Come on, we’ll shake hands.”  
The quips and retorts continued all the way to Davey’s house.

Jeffree pulled up to Davey’s place. As he got out, Jeffree called in parting, “Don’t say hello to your girlfriend for me. Go loosen up anal Jade’s anus. You should be inspired by what you saw tonight.”

Davey wished it weren’t so true.

****************************************************************************************

The nocturnal visits to the netherworld of bdsm continued. Something in Davey was hooked. Despite Jade’s abhorrence of the practices, Davey eventually found it impossible not to try them out on him.

The first time, Davey pretended it didn’t happen. The next time, he made light of it. The last time, he ignored Jade’s protests and tried to overpower him.

He had Jade pinned, sitting on his chest. Davey was fully erect. He’d gotten one wrist secured with the belt above Jade’s head and was fighting Jade for possession of the other. Jade brought his knee up hard into the center of Davey’s back. Davey arched convulsively and his hands flew off of Jade. With one hand bound to the headboard, Jade balled his other hand into a fist and swung at Davey’s jaw with all his might, knocking him off his body. Davey rolled off the bed and onto the floor. Jade freed his other hand, jumped off the bed and glared down at Davey.

“WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?! DON’T YOU FUCKIN’ TOUCH ME!” Jade screamed at him, with tears in his eyes. He grabbed his pillow and the extra blanket at the foot of the bed and charged out of the room, slamming the door.

Davey dropped his face into his hands, so ashamed.

Jade sat on the sofa in the dark living room, hugging his knees to his chest. He’d blinked away the tears but still felt contaminated by what had happened. Unwelcome memories of being overpowered, restrained and molested in various ways by his 15 yr old cousin when he was 8 played out in his mind. Davey didn’t know. Only Smith.

‘He shouldn’t need to know! If he gives a shit, just saying no should be enough!’ Jade curled up on the sofa and pulled the blanket over his head. He cried softly until he fell asleep.

In the morning, neither spoke of the incident. Davey tended to his stiff back and jaw. Jade pretended to read or sleep. Before long, Jade was hanging out with a very young,very pretty, very safe female student. They never tried to have sex again.

Eventually, Jade made it official. He told Davey nothing had changed between them -with the exception of their sexual relationship. That was over.

Davey had never hated himself so much.  
  
  


 

  
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. All publicly recognizable characters and settings are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended.

This story archived at <http://www.afislash.com/viewstory.php?sid=4552>


	9. Chapter 9

Shortly after daybreak, Nils was roused from a brief sleep by the ringing of his sidekick in the living room. He hoped it wouldn’t wake Davey. He rolled over to touch him but the bed beside him was empty. He lay listening to the phone ring, wondering if it would summon Davey from wherever he was in the suite.

He struggled to sit up and groaned, his torn, sore body protesting any movement. He called Davey’s name. No answer. He sighed, deciding to get up. He rolled to the edge of the bed and gingerly stood, his thighs stuck together with cum, blood and…well, he didn’t want to think what else. ‘Holy fuck,’ everything hurt but especially his rectum.

‘A ten minute shower before anything else. I don’t want him to see me like this.’ He headed for the shower, passing the marble bath where they’d made love a few hours earlier. The image of Davey riding him, his tattoos glowing in the soft, warm light, how it felt to be inside him, united. ‘He better be here when I’m outta the shower.’ Nils already longed for him.

Nils hissed when the hot water hit the open abrasions on his back. After a minute or so, he began to relax into the pulsing flow. The pleasure called forth more memories of last night’s sex. He slathered his hand with the spicy, creamy body wash and rubbed it over his shoulders, underarms and chest.

He lingered over his nipples, remembering how warm Davey’s mouth had felt on them after the water drained away, leaving them exposed, cold, erect. He couldn’t see through the heavy, wet facecloth covering his eyes but could feel Davey’s fingertips rubbing his nipples with cocoa butter. He’d made little concentric movements, starting at the outer ring and working inward to the center bud. His cock had jumped with the touching, just as it was doing now at the remembering.

‘Davey’s the most sensual lover on Earth,’ Nils smiled with satisfaction, forgetting how cruel Davey’s behavior had been in the bedroom.

Nils parted his legs as much as he could tolerate and rubbed his soapy hands over his buttocks. He didn’t dare venture in between. The sudsy stream would have to do the deeper cleansing.

He’d tried to ignore his growing erection as he thought about last night but couldn’t resist touching himself. He slid both hands down his thighs, brushing his thumbs along the sides of his cock. He leaned forward and rested his forehead on his arm against the back wall. In that position the water hit him lower, from the waist down.

He stroked himself with the other hand. How he wished Davey would join him in the shower and do this for him. In his mind, that’s what happened. He imagined Davey slipping his arm around his waist, holding him close, tenderly kissing his shoulders and behind his ears. His other hand gently pulled on his erection, fingers exploring downward, cupping his balls. He’d return to his cock, take the faint throbbing as a hint at rhythm and begin to stroke him with purpose.

Nils’ breathing quickened as his orgasm built. He pulled and pumped into his hand, until his cum shot out, hitting the wall, and swirled away down the drain. His knees were weak and he wished Davey were there to hold him in his strong arms. He’d push the wet strands of hair out of his face, brushing his cheek with his fingertips and whisper he loved him.

The water temperature was cooling. ‘So much for a ten minute shower, more like a twenty minute fuck. Oh well, I’ll be clean when Davey’s back. With him around, I’ll be ready for another go in half an hour, tops.’ He toweled off, already calling Davey’s name. He slid on the satin boxers he liked so well and headed to the living room.

‘Hmm, still not here…Oh yeah, that’s what woke me up! He must’ve left a message.’ He reached out to grab his sidekick, anxious to hear Davey’s voice.

He couldn’t pick it up. He couldn’t touch it, something was wrong. There was something wrapped around it. Jewelry? Necklaces. Davey’s necklaces, the ones he’d worn for years. That wasn’t right. Nils stared at the sidekick as the world around him became surreal.

He noticed something he hadn’t before. There was a commotion outside, below their room. A cacophony of voices, some excited, some panicked. There were sirens in the distance, but as he listened they drew closer and closer. They stopped at their building.

The balcony door was ajar several inches. ‘That’s why it’s so cold and noisy in here.’ His mind shut out reality.

He noticed something wrong on the balcony, too. There was a chair pulled up to the railing that wasn’t there last night. He remembered Davey’s arms around his waist, coaxing him away from the balcony door. Nils’ mind was going numb.

He stood paralyzed, trapped between the sidekick and the balcony. Someone was at the front door, working it open. Apparently, they’d been knocking for some time but Nils hadn’t noticed. Several men entered the room.

They stared at the young man, wearing nothing but a pair of small boxers. He looked younger than his age as he gaped at them in confusion. Who were they? Hotel management, police officers, private security. Why were they here? “Mr. Passaro? Anthony D. Passaro? That’s the name on the register.”

Nils sunk to his knees, rubbing his fists into his eyes. ‘Wake up, wake up, wake up,’ he rocked and sobbed.

*****************************************************************************************

Davey felt blindly along the ledge and decided how to position himself. He crept up on it and crouched. He concentrated the power in his muscular legs. ‘One last stage dive,' he smiled. With his customary grace, he sprang up and out into space. After that, there was nothing but falling, falling, falling.

******************************************************************************************

One year to the day, Nils lay on his back on a familiar table in Temple Tattoo. He relished the pain of the needles biting into the skin of his upper arm over and over. His tears ran silently into his ears and hair as a large black rose bloomed there, dripping tears of blood. It would be joined by a small black heart, hemmed in by a delicate cobweb.

Every year, Nils would return and the cobweb would expand just as the emptiness in his heart grew with the continuing absence of his dearest friend, his lover for one night, his Davey.

_Somehow I ended up here, in between._  
 _Where there’s always the comfort of knowing_  
 _I’ll never be seen when I fall._

_I wait for just one touch and I fall,_  
 _Weightless, endless, faithless_  
 _I’ll adore you._

_A single touch before I fade.  
Painless, let me pass through._

The Despair Factor  
AFI

THIS STORY IS CONTINUED IN THE SEQUEL _THIS YOU CAN KEEP_.

  


 

  
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. All publicly recognizable characters and settings are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended.

This story archived at <http://www.afislash.com/viewstory.php?sid=4552>


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